It’s the cornerstone of every public service ad aimed at parents:
“Talk to your kids about…”
That’s easier said than done. Most parents can tell you that talking with your kids isn’t always easy, especially as they get older.
Still, it’s important to know what’s going on in their lives, and in their heads. Parenting magazine offers these strategies for mixing kids and conversation. Try them out the next time you and your child are playing a game together.
1. It seems like something is making them stressed, but they won’t tell me what it is
Bringing up awkward topics isn’t easy, no matter how old you are. So instead of waiting for them to open up, try “a tactful game of 20 Questions,” Parenting says.
"Open with something such as, 'It seems like you're upset. Do you want me to try to guess what's bothering you?' Then ask your child to tell you if you're hot or cold," child psychologist Laurie Zelinger, Ph.D, tells the magazine.
You could also ask your child if they want to write a note detailing whatever is making them feel stressed, and promise to read it after they’ve gone to bed.
It may help to be even more indirect. Ask them “If someone asked you the best and worst things about being in 3rd grade, what would you say?” or “If a genie could make three things that are worrying you go away, what would they be?”
2. They’re already a quiet kid. How do I get them to talk to me?
Parenting talked to Mary MacRae Warren, a mom of a quiet 10-year-old son. It was nearly impossible to get him to open up, so she changed tactics by doing things her son likes: playing video games, reading comics, watching cartoons.
“Every now and then when we’re talking about these things, I can slip in something else,” Warren said.
Adele Faber, author of How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, says it’s important to listen and let your child start the conversation. Even if they’re complaining about school, jumping in with advice or judgment is almost guaranteed to get them to shut up.
3. What if I think they’re lying, or at least not telling the whole truth?
Be straight with them. You don’t need to play detective and show that you’ve outsmarted your child. For example: “I’m worried that you’re playing video games when you tell me you’re studying.”
Don’t jump on them. Wait for a time when things are relaxed: after dinner, or when you’re playing a game. Ask them how they can get things back on track, rather than just lecturing.
4. How do I find out how their school day went?
“How was school?”
“Fine.”
It’s maddening, but this too can be overcome. Give your son or daughter a chance to unwind after they get home. And try asking more specific, open-ended questions: What did you work on in art class? Did anyone get in trouble today? What did you play at recess?
And the conversation can wait until later in the day. imagine how you’d feel if you had to answer a bunch of questions about your workday when you got home. By letting kids respond and answer at their own speed, you’re more likely to get more than one-word answers.
5. They used to be so chatty. What happened?
As children get to their tween/teen years, they’re often less talkative. Parents suggests a secret weapon: the carpool.
Offer to drive your child and their friends somewhere, and keep quiet. You’ll overhear everything that’s going on. And watch out for times when they DO want to talk to you. Hang on the routines that they haven’t rejected as “uncool.”
Whether the conversation happens under the basketball hoop, at the breakfast table or on the drive to school, treasure this opportunity to talk with your kids. And be ready to listen.
