Last year, researchers at Canisius College in New York released a study that revealed something many parents already know: children see pets as more than just animals.
“They often see themselves as the center of their pets' affections," says researcher Joshua J. Russell. "They describe their pets as siblings or best friends with whom they have strong connections.”
And when those pets die, the loss can hit children especially hard. Kids form strong bonds with their pets, whether that means playing outdoor games with a dog or snuggling up with a cat on a chilly night.
The loss of a pet might be your child’s first exposure to death. While it can be difficult – one boy told Russell “My life was over” when his cat died suddenly – there are ways to help your child cope.
We turned to some expert sources – the Nemours pediatric health system and the Humane Society – for advice on how to help children deal with the loss of a pet.
1. Be Honest With Them
Tell your child that it’s OK to be sad. Reassure them by letting them know that you’re feeling sad too. But don’t try to protect your kids by telling them their dog or cat ran away. This will give them false hopes, and leave them feeling betrayed when they learn the truth.
2. Dealing With Illnesses/Old Age
If you have a pet that’s suffering from an incurable illness, or is aged to a point where they have no quality of life, euthanasia may be the most humane option. Talk to your children first, and explain to them that:
- Your vet has done all that they can for your pet.
- Your pet won’t get better, and this is the kindest thing you can do for them.
- Euthanasia will be peaceful. Your pet won’t be hurt or scared.
Depending on your child’s age, it’s ok to use words like “death” or “dying.” Be careful about using terms like “put to sleep.” Younger children might get confused, and develop scary ideas about sleep, surgery and anesthesia.
3. Dealing With Sudden Death
If your pet dies suddenly, explain what has happened in a calm manner. Let your kids ask questions, and let those questions determine how much information you give.
If they ask you what happens to the pet after it dies, use your own understanding/beliefs about death. It’s ok to simply say “I don’t know.” Death is as much a mystery for adults as it is for children.
4. Coping With Feelings Beyond Sadness
Death can bring a mix of emotions beyond grief. Your child might feel loneliness. The friend they could count on for outdoor games and adventures is gone. They might feel frustrated or angry that their pet got sick, or guilt about times they got angry at them.
Let your child know it’s normal to have these feelings. And once again, it’s OK to let them know they’re not alone. They’ll take comfort in knowing you feel the way they do. You can even share stories about pets you had as a child, and what you did to cope.
5. Remembering Your Beloved Pets
After the initial shock, it’s important to find ways to let your child heal. One way may be through a ceremony to remember their departed pet. It could be with a ceremony to bury them, or just a little gathering where you share stories of funny moments involving the pet.
For children, losing a pet who had been a close companion can be far worse than losing a distant relative. You may need to explain that to people outside your immediate family, or to people who don’t own pets.
Talk about your pet, and let your child know that the pain will go away, while the good memories they have of their pet – playing outdoor games, teaching them tricks, finding comfort in them during hard times -- will live on.
We hope this guide helps you and your family get through what can be an extremely trying time. Someday, you may decide to bring a new pet into your lives. Wait until the time is right. Don’t think of it as a replacement for your old pet, but as another new member of your family.
